Zacaj's Forums

I can't even believe it. What's good guys? I dunno if matt or burton updated you on what's been up with me, but i've been in this whirlwind of shit ever since i transferred. And no, I don't want to talk about very much of it. I've been totally in love, to disgusted, to upset, to insecure, to crazy, and everywhere in between. Drunk, sober, smoking cigarettes in clubs... It's been a crazy six months. I'm still at RIT, rocking a 3.7 average, and pretty much living it up, when i can. I don't even recognize my life as it was six months ago. Sup yo?

I'm extremely sick with no signs of improving (over a 1.5 year period), and it really goddamn sucks. Ruining my life.

TL;DR Life's ok. I'm accomplishing a lot, but as a person I feel lost. All my problems will be solved with college, though.

I'm turning into somewhat of an absurdist about things. I do what makes me happy, while doing what society asks of me. I can't ask for much else. I'm waiting for the day when all choices become my choices, when I can truly be myself. I feel constrained at school. I only feel like myself when I am out and about, or even on nights of rehearsal. I don't feel welcome at school, nor do I make the others around me feel welcome, except the elite few who I respect and talk to on a daily basis. Everyone else can go away for all I care. It's not that I don't like anyone, but I don't feel like their existence means much to me anyway. It's unhuman, sure, but I could care less. College is the next big step, and the past will finally be erased. I'll be a new person, no preconceptions, nothing. I'll really be myself.

Met a good amount of incredible people, done a good amount of different drugs. Rocking a 3.5 or 3.6 GPA. Making teachers happy. Currently I'm part of a theater production, and that's fully done after this week. Just learned that Saturday night there's a cast party (after the last show), so that's my time to get fucked up and finally enjoy a life where I get out of school and go straight home at 3:30 the latest. That's gonna be damn nice to have back, whereas right now I'm going home at 10 the latest, 8 the earliest. Not fun. Future endeavors mostly revolve around a remodel of this game room I have at my dad's. I'm constantly collecting unused money during the week to add to the total budget, and just to save up on other things. So far I'm at about $100 with the current money I have yet to deposit.

I feel pretty accomplished in my goals and ambition, but as myself, as a person, an individual, I feel pretty damn lost. I like a lot of different people, I don't like others. It's become such a clusterfuck that I've turned myself into an absurdist about it. Already covered that in the first paragraph.

So yeah, life's not bad I suppose. I'm waiting on the world to solve all my problems. It actually seems that everything is gonna solve itself as time goes on. Right now life is a clusterfuck with theater. Come next week that'll all be behind me. Free time galore! The remodel project will give me a more enjoyable home. After that, I'm not sure what others problems there'll be to solve. Maybe the question of where I fit in as a person, but that's always something that solves itself over time with self discovery and enlightenment. Ultimately all of my problems will be solved as I'm thrown off to college.

I'm giving myself a lot to look forward to in the long run. I guess that's the way I want it to be.

TL;DR, Life's ok. I'm accomplishing a little, but as a person i feel lost. i don't know when they'll be solved.

actually, atm, i just got home (house sitting my aunt's, it feels more like home than home sometimes) from walmart, grabbing water, food and shit for the freaking storm.

to find out matt deleted his facebook, uninstalled skype, and i'm blaming myself for part of it.
i pushed him while he was fighting with walsh. he was fighting with walsh because i defriended walsh. i defriended walsh because he was being whiny and i got sick of it.

i don't freaking know where i'm going anymore. i need to go back to tae kwon do. i need to keep taking with alyssa. and i need my brother.

i've been up and chugging monster, 5 hour energy for 18 hours. i got about 4 hours of sleep last night. my head is spinning out of control. balance is a joke right now.

Holy shit, sounds like you guys haven't had a very good time :/

Burton, i'm surprised that you're in this thread. Doesn't everyone hate me because of how things went with rox? I mean, she dumped me, but i'm surprised she hasn't spun it to make me sound like the devil yet....

roxy can be over emotional at times. and right now, she's cutting herself off from everyone, so the fallout has barely started. it's not a big deal either way, she's mostly blaming herself, it sounds like.

tl;dr: Remember when you left for R.I.T, and I was an emotional rollercoaster of shit, bitchiness, depression, suicide and emotional breakdowns? Well, old ways die hard.

Nothing has changed. I'm still out to destroy myself; i'm still a waste of space, I still hate myself more than life itself, and it would seem my prayers go unanswered in this Godless wasteland.

I've learned one thing since I last saw you; if even that. That is: You cannot love a monster. I am what i've made myself. You make your choices, and you live with them. That's the life lesson i've had to learn hard: If you make a choice, prepare to deal with the consequences without fear, or else, you'll end up wrapping your head in it for eternity. I'm coming to grips with every decision i've ever made, and the regret that has piled up is tearing me apart from the inside out. The monster finally meets the ending he created for himself.

And in case you're at all curious, she hasn't made you out to be anything, and anything she says, I'm bound to take another half to the story before I make assumptions. I know better than that.

On the upside, you dont seem like your taking it too horrible, or you're intaking it all and burying it deep. I hope its the former, for your sake and mine, buddy.

It's a tough situation. You guys don't know what it's been like to be with her. There were a lot of good times, a lot of closeness, but there was so much distrust, and frankly, i resented her because of how she treated me. I drove back to her place every weekend, a four hour drive, for almost six months. What precipitated us breaking up was her losing her shit over me wanting to take a break from driving for a weekend. Also, she said that she would not have done the same for me. She gave me a bullshit excuse, but i know that this is true. I didn't realize how much all of the constant drama, constant fighting, not having any money, and emotional stress that it put on me until we were through. I feel this huge release right now. Yes, i miss her, but after taking a step back and realizing how much bullshit she put on my shoulders, i'm not interested in talking to her.

I'm sure one of you two will end up showing her this post, and I don't really care. It's how I feel. She's going to have a retort, a rebuttle, like she always does. I'm sick of her logic that jumps from track to track leaving me wondering what the hell just happened. I'm tired of being accused, insulted, and used. I'm tired of the guilt trips for wanting things that are good for me. I'm tired of the pressure to drop out of RIT. I'm just so through with her. Not to mention she went insane when she ended it, she called me 73 times within the next hour. When she was willing to end it just because I wasn't coming back, i realized how ridiculous this whole thing is. It's been a sham, one-sided. I'm willing to sacrifice so much for her... My savings, my sanity, the physical condition of my car, and the risks i take with skipping classes when i get pressured to stay longer. She visited me up here once. Just once. In six months. She didn't sacrifice shit for me. So I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to hear from her. I don't want to see her ever again. All she was in this for was instant gratification, and all I wanted was a serious relationship.

Just wish I hadn't gone full retard. I'm fixing that now though. It starts with self-respect.

This is at the point where I will give you two pieces of information; The complete and total, cutthroat asshole comment that will be looked upon in a million ways as unnessecary, and uncalled for.
And the other will be a piece of useful information.

First the asshole: Its at this point where the phrase "Told you so", comes in so nessecary. I dont need to go into much depth with this, but that phrase should be cutting pretty deep at the moment. Karma took its hold, as always. It doesnt make me happy in any semblence, but its the first thing that ran through my head the first time I read it, and hasn't stopped. We made a point of saying this road would lead you down this road, and you lost close to a half a year of your life to the stupid move that you made.

Now the less asshole part: Burton, nor I will show her this. It's not either of our places to go to her and be like "OMG LOOK AT WUT MIEK SAID BOUT U", likewise is it our place to run and go "OMG LOK WUT ROXI SAD ON FACEBOOK". I dont know the innards of your relationship, and I never will. I dont get any idea of a story from her yet, its all Facebook posts about how she dun goof'd and the consequences havent been the same sense. If you decide that its better for your personal life, your mental state, your physicial state, and your bank account, than I cant damn you for taking a stand over it, man. You felt like it's taking too much of a toll? She ended it. The way i'm looking at things, you wanted an escape, and she made sure that you didnt have any guilt ties left behind. You're in a disconnection period, and its bound to happen for a while, but the way i'm looking at everything (again, not able to judge the entirety of your relationship, I awsnt in it), things should be on the up and up for you. Good luck with it all, man. Just remember this much; You wanna come home, you wanna chill, dont feel like you're not allowed because of what she's doing/done/will do. You're my guest, and you're welcome wherever I chill. Bro's before hoes, all day, every day, west side, pop it likes its hot, and all other gangstah related bro speeches.

Thanks so much man. I figured it was going to go like this: she dumps me, she makes me out to be a huge scumbag, and all of you hate me, and i don't get to see you all ever again. The "told you so" thing doesn't really bother me at all. I mean... we both expected this to take effort, and we both knew i wouldn't be around, but I didn't expect her to be the way she was. When we were starting out, she was completely different. When we both became committed, she changed faster than a straight man in a locker room at a primarily gay gym. This change wasn't pleasant. She was more moody, less supportive of what I wanted. I hadn't expected her to become so bitchy. As for karma, haha, you're probably right.

But, i still wanted to stay with her. I'm either retarded or masochistic. I didn't want to break up until she told me it was over for good. When she said that, it felt like i couldn't trust her to be sane about any decision that i wanted to make. We've been having a ton of problems as it was, and we had a break about three weeks ago.

I'm nowhere near chasing other girls. There are a few after me, but i have no desire to get into another relationship for a while. I want to enjoy my freedom. I like the biggest thing bringing me down today is there being too much pulp in my OJ. It sounds retarded, but I just love not worrying anymore. Not caring. She called me from her parents' house phone yesterday, hoping i'd answer like "hurr durr hello?". Copied and pasted it into google, got hudson, ny. Derp.

I may be a graduate of the Cairo-Durham School District, but I am in no ways an idiot in any semblence to the term, and if you think that i'd go so far as to straight believe her, and not take into consideration your side, I'd be as stupid as half of those people we graduated with. I also took enough of a hint that she's moping on Facebook, and not calling you out as a complete and total asshole, as a sign that she's the one that fucked it up, and you wernt like, having an affair, although i'd seriously doubt that in the first place.


We've been friends for HOW long? Six months of a stupid relationship going south doesnt change jack shit. Believe me, have you any idea how hard it was to be friends with Pete when Sophia dumped me? It was like trying to break ice layered diamond with my bare fists. If I could bring my head to wrap around the distinction that they were two different people, I can manage to distinct you two outside of a relationship. As I said, you're always welcomed wherever I hang out. Anyone has an issue with it, they can take it up with me, and i'm a pretty tough motherfucker, and they wont be stupid enough.


After every period in this entire paragraph, every sentence, my summery ended with "Welcome to relationships", and made me chuckle. Honestly, there isnt much to scratch beyond this surface: Girls will be different because they feel like they'll appease you, and than, they'll return to their normal selves, figuring they already bagged the trophy, why bother competing? It's like when you call a dog from the outside with the promise of a treat, and proceed to NOT give it a treat. One word here that keeps running through my skull: Facade.


I mean, damn, you must be a fucking retard for wanting to be happy and make things work, like an adult in an adult relationship. It is at this point that I will go to Facebook, have every friend I have join the forums, to sit and insult you for doing an adult thing. Fucking idiot. You dun goof'd, man.

Yeah, so that entire paragraph was sarcasm (Cause like, you couldnt tell, right?)


Thats a good thing, man, at least you're smart enough to realize you just came out of a relationship that didnt work well, and you're taking some time to yourself to, rebuild the fort, per se. Dont rush yourself back in, thats just asking for a failure.


That doesnt sound retarded at all. I only wish that I could say to myself that I have no worries in life, but it seems like I bare an immense amount of pressure where ever I go. However, I digress. Take things slow is a good thing, man. No point into heading back into something that you know you cant.

 Now the fun part's of the post :)




You didnt? YOU BASTARD. Besides, maybe it was the drug dealers asking how your supply of bud was doin'?


.....bastard.


BASTARD.

And last but not least

QFT. Damn straight I am.

Lemme just say this much:

Mike, that's a really fucking mature decision and I'm proud of you for it. Not even kidding. I can imagine how much of a pain it is to walk away from something like that, but you're definitely right. It only put THAT much pain and pressure on you, and now it's gone. You definitely made the right call man, and good on you. There are other hoes who will be worth your time :p
This coming from experience. I just had a rough ending to the closest friendship I've ever had, but it was really shaky at the end. Friends shouldn't be like that. Should be peaceful. You should be yourself :)

Good on you man!

Yeha man, no hard feelings whatsoever, I welcome you back with open arms and an erect penis.

Hi Mike.

Well, what's been up with me...many ups and downs over the past while. Had surgery on the noggin a week ago. Still recovering. Still feeling ups and downs, but trying to keep myself positive. That's about it for me.

sigged. i now understand why this was kev's facebook status. matt, you can be an eloquent bastard when you want to.

@mike: remember early on, when the relationship was all full of drama and shit? remember how i wanted none of the drama? one thing hasn't changed. i still fucking hate drama. you try going for two years with only one other guy in your class. my 11th grade year sucked. me, jack, and 8 girls. worst part? the girls were all either: a)moronic bitches, b)taken, or c)related(ish) to me.

seriously. i've had enough drama for a lifetime. i aint stupid enough to start shit.

I'm breaking my fucking word, I hate this:


You probably dont care man, but Roxie's going fuckin' apeshit on you, trying to make Burton and I hate you, or some shit like that.

She claims that you called Burton an arrogant jerk, and me a loser fat bastard.

Damnit, man, what the fuck, Mike. What the fuck?

WHY THE FUCK CANT I BE THE ARROGANT BASTARD??!?!?!

You realize that she's making that shit up, right? Sigh. You think you can trust a person, and then they go full retard and try to separate you from your friends. Ignore her, guys. I'm sorry she's doing this.

I wrote that entire post as a joke, in honesty, man. I dont believe anything anyone says about me, considering the fact that anyone you've met in your time at CGCC might be able to be fooled by this shit, but i've known you long enough to realize the actual truth.

The fact is that i haven't done shit to anybody. I'd never call you that, and you know that. Never have, never will.

I would. You fucking loser fat bastard.

Roxie dun goof'd

CONSEQUENCES WILL NEVER. BE. THE SAME.

MIKE I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KILL HER.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I AM SO READY TO LANDBLAST (TM) HER

DOITDOITDOITDOIT.

What is she doing?

Mike, I honestly promised myself that I wouldnt run and tell that (homeboy), but seriously, by her law, you're an even bigger dickhead than I am. I dont intend to put more pressure on your shoulders by coming and telling you everything she says, but lets just say that she's pissed off Betsy, who's as close to Roxie, as Burton is to me, and i'm sick of the bi-nightly "All Mike did was use me for sex, and he's such an abuser" bullshit threads. Let me find the post that set the bullshit dectector off.

HAHA, I checked. She deleted it. But basically it was an entire one sided thread about how you promised her all this shit for the future and didnt follow through, and you used her and a bunch of bullshit. She started getting all pissy once I basically threw her NO sympathy, because evidently now that I know what she's gone through, I was supposed to buy into her shit.

Way to go, ASSHOLE for not marrying the girl after dating her for two months  :P

Needless to say, I hope she just keeps digging the hole.

Mike, congradulations. You did the smartest thing imaginable by kicking her ass out of your life.

First, she had a whole shitload of problems. She had emotional breakdowns, and who was there for her? Oh, yeah, me. I supported her, I tried to help her through school, tried to help her reorganize her life. I calmed her down every time she had a panic attack. I talked to her when she had a shitty day (which was every day).

So as you can see, my primary focus was sex.

Gentlemen of the jury, I supported her. I was the best boyfriend I could humanly be to her, without breaking myself in the process. And I got damn close. I put six months into this relationship. The fact is that she's selectively remembering the supposed "bad" things I did to her, like have sex with her a lot, and forget the "good" things, like me picking her up every time she fell down and got a boo-boo.

Her ability to bullshit is simply amazing. I only suspected that she was this delusional, and now she's proving it to everybody. She's inventing, she's twisting, she's demonizing me. I don't feel the need to flame her, I don't feel the need to be a dick. Maybe because I know I didn't do anything wrong.

I just think it's funny as shit. It's an amazing way of paying me back for all of the backbreaking effort i put into this relationship. I need to take a breather, and she decides i'm not good enough and kicks me to the curb.

I'm sure everybody who personally knows rox and I have seen how we interact. Have I ever once ignored her? Have I ever done something that suggested i'm only in it for sex? My arms were around her so much, I was always near her, seeing if she wanted things, doing things for her, getting things for her. If this "he used me for sex" thing is true, i doubt i would have cared about doing any of that.


This promise thing is going to come up a lot. I dun goof'd because I told her a lot of things. The fact is, she would have killed the relationship under the guise of "we're not going anywhere" if I didn't promise. The getting married thing? I always carefully responded with "well, that's the plan". At one point, she made a promise to me that she would never break up with me. She broke that too. So I'm the asshole?

Matt, i'm feeling exactly the same way about kicking her out of my life. I'm so glad i'm not wasting more time on her now.

OH NO.

She claims that you made a grand amount of promises, like that of replacing a promise ring with an engagement ring, that you wernt going to college for you, you were going for "us", so that "we" could have a future (I'm almost directly quoting her here).

Honestly, dude, I feel like shit cause I feel like I put more pressure on you and stress you even harder with this shit, but something drives and compells me to tell you that she's doing all this shit. If any consolation I can give you, is that anyone who knew anything about this relationship, doesnt believe this shit. In essence? She's playing the lowest common denominator, people that know her, but dont know you, and the inclination to believe is strong. Needless to say, if she keeps posting on Facebook, until she deletes me, your name will remain cleared. I dont let that shit happen to my bros.

At a point in time, i really thought she was the one. I made a lot of promises, yeah. Some I made because I knew that if I didn't, she would accuse me of not being as committed as her. It was more like "i feel this way, you do too, don't you?", and then I would agree. If I didn't, our relationship would be in jeopardy. Betsy seems to feel that what I did here was justified, I was avoiding trouble. As for the ring, i felt like that at one point. I started feeling less strongly about that as time went on. When i told her I wasn't feeling as strongly anymore, she flipped a fucking shit. If something is wrong with our relationship, instead of working to fix it, she blames it on me and ignores it until it goes away. I would prefer to skip that. Yeah, i fucked up by promising things. I guess all it did was extend the inevitable.

This is why i'm keeping in contact with everybody who we mutually know. I'm trying to assert my side of the story so that way it stays fair and balanced. Unfortunately, she's pulling a fox news right now and fucking with people's viewpoints. All I want to do is move on and still keep all of you guys as friends. I'd like to have more summer parties this summer, and hang out with everyone. Preferably without rox hating on me.

Just to add another fun little detail in there, rox didn't want me talking to three of my female friends, one being betsy. Rox was afraid that i was going to cheat on her with them. We made a trade of sorts, I wasn't allowed to talk to betsy, and rox wasn't allowed to talk to either andy or derek, i don't remember which. Either way, she broke it, because she's talked to both since. Rox eventually let up on her "don't talk to betsy" thing, but yeah.

Dude, I made the same exact promises to Sophia. She still felt like the one that I let go. It's become my enablier to fuel rage for me lately. I'm emotionally toast, honestly, but know what? You make decisions, you live and learn.

Like I said, anything and everything she says, in my power, will be disputed by her. She wont get away with it, and frankly, anyone that does know you thinks its utter bullshit. I can think of like, 5 people tops that can put any claim that you're such a bad person, but we all know better. None of us are that fucking stupid. And at this point? She's dug herself a hole, and NO ONE wants to be around her, so we're pretty much going to all permab& her from our lives. We've all stopped giving a shit about what she says. No one pities her, no one cares of the entire "IF I DIED HE WOULDNT CARE :(". Guess what? Keep shit up, no one else will either. At this rate, I'm pushing "Not caring".

Oh my God, is she seriously? That should have been your first clue to end that shit. If she cant trust you to talk to a girl without cheating on her, than she's just controlling you. Hell, if I had known that, I would have like, hooked you up with every chick on Facebook just to be that guy.

You're welcomed back at any time, even if she's there, you already know this. If she flips shit, I"LL take care of it personally. You're in the clear, she isnt.

Cool, thanks dude. I'd really love to hang out with all y'all this summer. I'm installing skype, and i've got ballin' wifi. I dunno if you guys still hang out there, but i'm logging on right now.

Yeah man, Skype's still how we tend to communicate. We'd definitely love to hear from you now that you can actually talk and shit.

That's pretty fucked up in itself.
A relationship should build itself upon trust. If you truly care for the person, and that feeling is mutual, one shouldn't have to worry about one cheating on another.

You cheating on me, Keppel?

No he's cheating on me

I couldn't help myself...

No, he's cheating on me.

Christ, rox is going apeshit still. We've been apart for over a week, and she's called me almost daily and is attacking my friends through facebook.

I'm like the poster boy for the "Don't stick your dick in crazy" campaign.

Wow you should make a movie... like film her and record phone calls and publish it privately for us :D

Dude if someone was calling me that frequently over shit I'd go so far as to put a restraining order on them. Like, shit, you'll obviously never get along again, and that's just a nuisance and fucking annoying. If you don't wanna deal with this shit then don't. Internet blocks (Facebook, other services), block her calls on your phone...That's just mad crazy. You shouldn't have the past come back and attack you 24/7 like that.

For the past week, it's been just that. I've thought about getting a restraining order, and i've thought about changing my number, since ATT charges to have numbers blocked (assholes). I blocked her on facebook already.